I have given just about everything of Lupine’s to a small shop in town that helps dogs. I held back one pad that has a sheepskin like quality embedded in thick brown clothe. This pad can be rolled out and she always chose it to lie on. Often it was on top of a thicker bed to add warmth and comfort and as the tumor developed its own blood supply I wash it more and more so she did not have to lie in the tinged saliva and blood from her mouth. I would wipe it clean somedays with a sponge or damp towel and put it out in the open air. After a while I need to run it through the wash machine and dryer.
At first readied myself to let it go after placing it in the back of the car after washing it one last time. I decide I will keep it and the shawl that is made of yak wool as a cover for Lupine on chilly mornings while I placed the pad on top of the outside bed.
The pad has remained and I place it where I sleep. I can touch the pad during the night and feel that soft texture she would lie on. I am so restless and apparently I snore in the bedroom where B has to poke met to turn over he loses rest and is unhappy. I cannot sleep after this like I often can and am restless so I am in the main room. But I know most of all I feel also too far from Lupine when I am down the hall in the bedroom after being by her many times in the living room both on the couch, floor and inflatable bed during these last months.
Before B and I moved in together she was free to come in the bedroom in the small house we lived in out in Tesuque and if there is a thunderstorm she would get on the bed or lie very close or I would get up and put on her thunder coat or play some music some nights for her to sleep. When we moved her life changed and mine did too yet something is always the same with her desire to be out and on her small hill and the safe yard is a refuge from the difficulty of how things changed where we had lived with constant deliveries and a dog that encouraged her to go to the main road to forage.
We had been spending weekend day more in town and I began to work at the editing studio on the urban garden story but she was welcome at the editing studio and there is a lot to walk around when she and I need a walk break.
Each week I walked her up by where we lived and find new places we explore in town and not far from open space or deserted lots with bunnies romping in view. It is hard to be enclosed more in town but Santa Fe is patched easily with rural swaths, arroyos and we live in front of a large piece of land where we see coyotes.
One young coyote like the one in Tesuque would stand across the canyon and be at eye level with our casita howled until we came out the door. At this complex and on the land it inhabits one coyote likes to follow us around the open space. Lupine and he would at long distances turn towards one another and look. The coyote would often sit slowly and Lupine would puff her cheeks up to speak and seem to just whisper and vibrate back in his direction.
In the morning I roll up the pad by the couch and ask Lupine how she is doing on her journey. I tell her I miss her but hope she is doing fine. I have not obtained the ashes from the cremation and so her body may be still in the refrigerator barn just there waiting for its next transformation. I see her a bit more often past that last lurch and struggle before they killed her and know her spirit is strong and mine must be too.