There is a rocked out little area where Lupine left and impression and rested that morning she was put down I have preserved for a while, and I have placed more rocks around it. B has outlined the best way to walk up to the little shrine so that the grass can grow and it can be more of a garden that he would like and it does not as he said create more erosion.
Each day I feel and I see Lupine everywhere like her spot to lie in the sun or her view from the knoll to see some of the road. When I think about her love of vistas and how she had to work so hard to find one here and even a place that was okay for her to be in the garden I can feel sad but I know we did well by her and she had a yard and she had a game friend that took her everywhere and to the hills when we could get there in the weather.
I wish I felt I was home, I wish I belonged to a place other then how it seems to be inside of me but I cannot adopt another person’s place and life or at least that is how it feels, and not something one has built together. I guess early on in life it seemed more to me that the efforts to make a home was one built together and now it all feels so far from that since people have their assets so there is less of that “we are doing this together feeling”. I still imagine what it can be like to be on a bit of land with a dog to love but that sense of place feels more obscure and it often is about Lupine and what that would look like, and she is gone and it hurts.
It is difficult to see the future and Lupine remains that anchor and some dream about it all and I had hoped B would want the same thing but he has other needs I do not seem to match. I am also not much of a townhouse world person or maybe just the set up of being in his house then our house.
I am always grateful but one cannot help but feel their own odd destiny that somehow describes you and it is serendipity how much of it works anyhow. I do know there is no path to happiness and that happiness is the path so I stick with that each day but I know I feel very sad about Lupine and discouraged and yet I have to get a grip and value the work that has been done, the love that has been felt and the luck of finding this wild wonderful dog.
This is a picture of some little place I saw in some ad in the northwest for a house for sale but it captured something of place and where I dog would sit and a cat would hang on the banister and one would see the day turn to night and the night turn to day from it’s porch.