Very windy today and it feels good to get up in the mountains to the creek I went to towards the end of Lupine’s life and leave some ashes. It is a simple walk from the car to a picnic area and beyond to the Little Tesuque that runs along the road.
I do not know why but often Lupine would want to cross the main road and go over to the steep hillside. Maybe she sensed deer or it just looked more wild to her but we sat by the creek and she drank the cool water and perked up whenever we came to this spot, and eventually would eat in the car. Sometimes it took most of the day before she ate but I would sigh a relief, and be in a better mood when she did.
I have an inch or so left of the ashes in her heart jar and want those to go to the ocean with me when I journey there this summer. I have been able to spread her ashes and bits of bone within a month of her death to lovely places we have shared. It feels very good to do this on this earth and water she walked on so vividly and energetically and fiercely.
Time does not heal but gratefulness and peace with life’s rhythm only causes suffering when I resist it. I feel it is such a shock to have such a close friend die, a partner, who is an expression of joy and unconditional heart just vanish as one’s companion. I think I am always going to be someone who fights what is rather then makes peace with letting go.